Hmm. Today is a strange day. First, reading a bit between the lines, Kate is worried that The Spare is actually a paranormal which it's not. I've sent the pages and revised synopsis and am now beset by grave doubts about, well, everything. The last time I read the stuff, it seemed darn good to me, but I've been wrong before. Plus, the ghost stuff doesn't start until after the pages I sent to Kate, so they're not likely to lay to rest her reservations, other than, I suppose, to see that the element is there but not overwhelming. I don't think. Anyway, I've been following a Beaumonde loop wherein authors bemoan their inability to make a living. And this from established authors! $500 advances on 60-80 thousand words? What kind of joke is that? I am so clueless about this business. On the other hand, I don't write trad Regencies and I've only recently discovered they're not exactly what I thought they were, which was no sex at all. My hero Mary Balogh has sex in hers but I don't think she writes them anymore. Anyhow, to be honest, I have no clue if the money is better in Historicals, I guess it is because all the trad authors seem to be agonizing over how to switch to the long historical. Arghh. Note to self: I do not write trad Regencies. Oh. The writing. I am stressing over the fate of my partial on The Spare and what's more, I'm stressing over the absence of my agent in this process. No response to my letter about how to develop my career, and of course, nothing when I tried to bring up the subject over the phone. Not a phone call or anything. And then I hear about writers who've written six or more books and can't get an agent. Now, to me this makes no sense. My gut says these people are writing terrible queries or not pitching a specific project with the query.

I'm back to 88K+ with The Spare, but maybe it doesn't matter because Kate will hate it. Basically, today I am engaging in avoidance behavior, and the really odd thing about that is I'm excited about the new and improved ending. I think I'm going to print the whole thing because I don't feel that my brain is sufficiently connecting the beginning and middle with the end.

For another day or so, I suppose I'll be the only one who can see this. First, my webhost issue is resolved in the sense that tonight I changed hosts because APLUS.NET hateful thoughts to them very hateful.screwed up my account and apparently they don't freakin' care about fixing it. So I've ftp'd my files to my new host and I can see my lovely site when I go directly to the IP address. As soon as my registrar update takes hold, I'm visible again. But I am SO mad because I told Kate Seaver she could check my blog to see how things are going on The Spare and now there's no blog to see. So over the weekend, I switched a couple of chapters around (yes, hanging head, but not in shame because it was worth it!!!!) and read through. Stayed up until 1am to finish reading the pages I'm sending to Kate and it was really really good. I did it. I've done it. It's as good as Lord Ruin and maybe better. Now I have to redo the synopsis. Sigh.

Well, let's hope this works, because I upgraded my website so I could install php and mysql and, of course, now the darn website is down. My host confused a service upgrade with a lapsed domain and they didn't believe me when I told them that two years ago I renewed my domain for 10 years. They insisted I owed them money for the domain registration... oh heck. I just hate this kind of crud. Anyway, my editor has asked for the 1st 100-150 pages of The Spare plus a revised synopsis so I've been working on that and in the process done some fabulous work on the story which I really really like. So, I'm freaking out about that. Am back at 86K with, I think one new chapter needed at the back end and the ending to revise and tie up. I'd targeted March for being totally finished, but February has had two Monday holidays with no day care for my son, which means I didn't get two big huge blocks of hours so I think I'm a bit behind schedule. This should ftp to the server just fine, but we'll see.

Things are going reasonably well. I'm zeroing in on the ending now. But before I can really attack that, I need to bring out the emotional resolution between OW and SA, which means setting up the blocks they have toward being happy together. In this case, SA is concerned about OW being hurt and he'll do anything to protect her from that. I think this will be really sweet and heartbreaking.

On a related note, a reviewer sent me her review of Lord Ruin and added a personal note. Two parts in particular sent me into a tizzy: For those of you who have despaired of late, searching for something, anything, to keep your interest in the sea of same old, same old, I've found the book you're looking for. In her personal note to me, among many other wonderful things, she said I just found something in it I haven't found in many books of late and I just wanted to say thank you. I really needed a book that I could lose myself in and it's been forever, years even, since I've been able to do that. My reaction to this was instant panic! Why? Because what if I can't do that again? But, shaking off the insecurity, I will do it again. In fact, The Spare shows every sign of succeeding in that. In some ways, the problem is that Lord Ruin was too close and The Spare is a different sort of story. Now that it's standing more on its own, with more and more of it darn good, I find myself working with more confidence in these characters and their story. But whew! I surely do feel the pressure. But, these comments validate my feeling that just because readers enjoy the glib writers doesn't mean they don't want other stories that really grab you. Glib doesn't do that. Glib is fun and pleasureable, but I want to write stories that make your heart pound and that make you see multiple levels of meaning, that deal with ambiguity without necessarily resolving it.

P.S. to previous entry. If I were a "real" writer, would I be so inefficient? This is the only way I know how to put in the complexity of real life. (Well, ok, except for the ghosts, I accept they aren't part of real life.) There are writers I adore and admire yet I find their stories glib, enjoyable, but glib. I finish and I've been entertained, but nothing more. The characters don't make me think. I see no reason why Romances can't have characters who are complex. Oh well. I yam whats I yam.

84K. Yes, it's true. I've cut 8k words. But I just had to do it. One chapter of 5k went nowhere. Honest. Some parts of it I lifted and stuck where I think they'll be much happier. Over the weekend, I did a read through. I'm pretty happy with it overall, but that chapter, sigh, just had to go. But the ghost elements are working really really well, the first half is great, and I'm getting the 2nd half to match. Anyway, I spent most of Monday in depression over wretched writing and wishing there was a way to keep all the stuff I got rid of (Maybe if I just wrote it better....) But NO! Wrong. If it ain't working fix it. No cosmetic fixes, turn it upside down and sideways but fix it, or delete it. So, I deleted. But the good news is I had an utter flash of inspiration about how this will have a really great ending that ties up the natural and supernatural. That TV, he is really a bad fellow. Is he going to get away with it?

Well, I'm at about 92K. Things going well enough, I think. I think I fixed the boring stuff by following my advice and doing something completely different. The mystery is now quite a strong theme which gives the front end impetus to the middle. I haven't really written much of the passionate scenes yet. I'll do another paper read-through this weekend. Lord Ruin flirted with 2,000 in the Amazon rankings a few times, but over the last few days seems to be settling into the 10K's. Now that school has started, I need to be even more disciplined about hours. I may drop one of my classes and only do one this semester since I just found out that in the Fall one one of them has been combined with a required class I haven't taken yet so that if I take it, I'll end up repeating it.